Four Rules I Learned This Year

1.) The "Hitler Loved Dogs" Rule (Context Is Paramount)

Everyone loves dogs. I love dogs. You love dogs. If someone stood up in a room full of people and said "raise your hand if you love dogs", most everyone would raise their hand.

However, Hitler loved dogs too, and if it was Hitler who asked you that, chances are you wouldn't raise your hand because, you know, Hitler was an asshole.

The point of the rule is that the source of a statement is as important as the statement it's self. A statement can be true but would you really want to agree with one from a questionable source or use it as evidence to support your own opinions?

The "Sarah Loved Dogs" Addendum: My friend Sarah created the first addendum to the above rule. Its a perversion of the logic stated but I have to keep it. It goes something like this: if someone were to make a truthful statement and they own a dog, you can retort that since they own a dog, Hitler would probably like the dog and thus they have something in common with Hitler and thus the opinion is irrelevant. Its definitely more of a joke than a rule to use but its a nice twist on the logic. Definitely a keeper.

2.) The "Gillian Anderson" Rule (You're Attractive, Fuck-o. Get With It.)

I will not paint over the fact that getting closer than I ever dared expect with Gillian Anderson and entirely of her own volition this year was some kind of weird validation - and I know how completely batshit that sounds, so stay with me.

I'm 32 and yet when it comes to women, I still think like I'm 14. I don't get them. Hell, sometimes I'm so confused by them, I'm outright suspicious - like the whole gender is some kind of collective succubus come to drain me of blood in the cold hours of early morning. And this is despite a pretty okay track record of  some very beautiful women. Yes, that last part sounds totally egotistical of me - but I'm saying that because, well, I'm still not especially confident in some ways. This isn't to say I think I'm a troll, or impersonal but when you live the last 16 years of your life thinking you're (at best) totally nondescript and have the outward personality of a rattlesnake, having *the* beautiful woman / celebrity you had a crush on since the age of twelve grab you and hold you against her goes pretty damn far toward how you feel about yourself. Yes, logically its completely stupid - but for once in my life, the logical part is not what I'm trying to describe; I'm appealing to the honest, emotional side that I keep from most everyone (Even myself.)

This isn't to say that I'm suddenly Don Juan or that my luck has changed. Just that sometimes I deserve to think better of myself than I normally do. And that is okay. Its just so very hard to wrap your head around the complete opposite of what you normally feel is honesty about yourself.

(And if you're reading this, Gillian: I'm free for dinner whenever. Have your people call my people.)


3.) The "JJ Abrams" Rule (Stop Identifying With Things)

If you're reading this, then you probably know of my dislike of everything having to do with JJ Abrams. The man is the literal embodiment of everything wrong in Hollywood: a career based on nepotism, everything  made is a copy sourced from something superior or from an existing franchise and he has no discernible talent in any aspect of writing or directing.

More to the point, you should know that I'd rather take gasoline through a catheter and then piss it out over the open flames of Hell than have anything to do with him. 

That said, his unfortunate presence in the world of the living taught me a very important lesson this year. While it was bad enough that he was behind two completely vacuous Star Trek movies that had no worth what-so-ever except as an example of how to do something wrong, his later assignment to the forthcoming Star Wars sequels sent enough pure bile straight to my brain to drown all joy from my life for several days.

So somewhere between the initial announcement and the half bottle of Jim Beam in reply to it, I came to realize that, once and for all, Star Wars was done for me. Abrams - a man who cannot even pace dialogue  between actors or frame a shot for longer than one whole second - was now being given the holiest of holy assignments. I could no longer identify with the series as I once had; I could not allow something I loved as a child and a teen be beaten down in front of me while I still loved it. Just like watching a vet euthanize your pet, I had to turn away while the needle went in.

So I left. I didn't damn it, I didn't cry "rape" like the common Internet drone nor did I make some crazy-ass YouTube video about what Star Wars is and isn't. I just put it away carefully and closed the lid.

And that made me grow (the fuck) up.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not thumbing my nose at the films already made or that I'm dismissing my adoration of them - but like the song goes "Don't dream, its over". Someone I dislike for so many strong reasons is taking something and will no doubt put his stamp all over it. It also doesn't help that Disney is putting out character-based films outside of Episode VII - because people need to know what Yoda was doing with his off-time or something? (Hint: no one cares)

So I just can't go on with that. I can't. Its done for me and I'm a lot happier for it. I feel no anxiety over if it'll be good or not (though there is some anxiety about John Williams being alive to finish the scores) and by pushing it out, man, talk about your relief of burdens. I have refused to take it on as a person and thus, give no shits to how badly Abrams will undoubtedly ruin it.

Thirty years of putting too much of myself out there and into a non-corporeal concept like a movie series. I feel cleaner already.


4.) The "Executioner's Axe" Rule (Don't Throw Yourself On The Sword Willingly)

This is really more of an Internet rule but I suppose it could also be used in face to face conversations at parties. Its basically "don't volunteer to put your head on the chopping block", which is something a lot of people seem to do with immense haste. Its an easier rule to explain by example though.

I'll use the easiest of examples, since this is so common for me: lets say you have two people talking about a movie. One person loved it and one person hated it and the person who loved it is making a much stronger intellectual argument for his viewpoint.A third party comes in and starts yammering that he hated the movie too - totally unprepared for the conversation, without having any of the context spoken between the original parties and simply throwing their hat in the ring in that "JJ Abrams" rule (over-identifying with something) cited above. Needless to say, this third party person gets steamrollered by the opposing party and usually cries foul for all sorts of nebulous reasons.

But they're the ones who stepped in. Its no one else's fault but their own. They put their head under the axe, so to speak. Anyone who voluntarily sticks their neck out is, by the nature of the act alone, probably asking for a direct rebuttal.